Dear reader, don’t worry, you’re not seeing things, you read it right the first time: this article will list 52 ways to help you GAIN WEIGHT AND GET FAT.
You see, normally, everyone’s looking for that special shortcut, that little something which can address all their problems. And this is never more true than when it comes to that labour intensive task known as weight loss.
Everyone wants to be sexy, have visible abs, be powerful and have the physical fitness to run up a mountain (but only if needed). On top of that, we also want the luxury of being able to chill by the sea sipping mojitos, spend a passive income with no worries and, of course, never age and never get ill.
As you know, though, reality is a bit more complicated than that…
There are so many different variables involved in day to day living that I could easily make a list of 100 ways you could address your habits and start to lose weight. In my experience, however, it’s much easier to fix those areas of your life that are broken and need repairing.
This list, of course, should be taken with a grain of salt and I’m not talking about the type of salt you want to shower your french fries with. If you want effective weight loss, then reverse the principles on offer here and, as a result, you’ll get a list of easy call-to-actions that you can apply to your lifestyle.
1. Use nice smelling products. For the biggest impact on weight gain, make sure that you smother yourself with deodorants, cologne, fragrances, perfumes, body wash and any other toiletries with artificial, hyper-fragranced ingredients. The phthalates in the perfumes will really ramp up hormone disruption and produce the desired fat gain you’re craving.
2. Choose bigger plates. Countless studies by esteemed academics have shown that bigger plates facilitate increased food consumption. And, when it comes to gaining weight, this is a no brainer for achieving your goals. And don’t forget bigger glasses – the bigger the glass, the more milkshake you can fit in it.
3. Reduce your activity levels. One area that you’re really going to have to work hard on is reducing your daily activity. It’s not easy, but you can make simple changes straight away such as taking Uber to work, walking less, working out less and you most certainly want to take escalators and elevators over stairs every time.
4. Stop eating when you’re full. Many people stop eating when they start to feel full, but this presents a huge obstacle to gaining weight. Instead, to rack up those extra calories, only stop when your stomach is begging you to stop. Fun fact: eating roughly 40 kcal extra a day (a big tomato or gulp of soda) can result in approx. 5 pounds of fat gain in the end of the year. A priceless lifehack when it comes to fat gain.
5. Change and choose different meals as much as possible. Variety is the spice of life and it’s also key to getting that extra tyre around your midriff. You see, research has shown that eating the same types of food over and over food items results in boredom. As a result, people tend to eat less and less over time. However, by constantly switching your meals, you should avoid this boredom and remain in love with overeating.
6. Keep the stakes low. People don’t realize just how difficult weight loss is and assume that they can go all in and achieve the impossible in next to to no time. Some people sign up for marathons, challenges or do other crazy things. One time, one of my acquaintances asked me “What’s the easiest way to lose 10 pounds?”, so I told her to give £300 pounds to her friend and if, after 3 months, she hadn’t lost 10 pounds, her friend could keep the money. Her response? “It’s too much money”
Therefore, if you want to gain weight, it’s crucial that you don’t commit to any sort of accountability. Otherwise, you’ll feel compelled to meet it.
7. Go by feel. My favourite way to gain fat is by going with my gut feeling, so if you’re craving something, just eat it. And if you don’t feel like exercising, just don’t do it. Only eat healthily or do exercise if you start to crave it, but hopefully you should only be craving chocolate and afternoons on the couch.
8. Eat out more and don’t cook. Preparing healthy food can be a tall order as a lot of time and effort is required, but these are commodities which are in short supply. The answer? Eat out! Head to restaurants, coffee shops and on-the-go spots where you don’t have to worry about preparation and you can easily ignore whatever the calorie count of the mysterious ingredients are. And it’s likely that all these meals are high fat, high calorie and, most importantly, high on taste.
9. Eat less fat. Another of my favourite mantras is “The fat you eat is the fat you gain”. And what’s true is that eating less fat (dietary, saturated) will result in a craving to overeat carbohydrates. As carbohydrates are a massive catalyst to fat gain, eating less fat will, in the long term, get you fatter than ever.
10. Not hungry? Eat it anyway. Never ever turn down food, not even if you feel full. After all, your tastebuds need as much exercise as possible, so if you see something tasty, make sure you take a quick nibble at the very least.
11. Eat what tastes good. Broccoli or Cheesecake: which tastes better? It’s obviously the cheesecake and you should only ever focus on items that taste great. Sure, there will be long term impacts on your body, but you can worry about them later.
12. Don’t set any goals. Overthinking can seriously stunt your weight gain efforts, so please refrain from the old “I’m going to lose 20 pounds in 3 months” nonsense. Goals are hard to achieve, so take the easy option and be a bit more laid back.
13. Eat more carbohydrates. Carbohydrates are a weight gainer’s best friend. After all, they’re luxurious, sugary delights which can transform bland bready items into delicious cakes, so why would you ever avoid them?
14. Order things online. Convenience can really reduce the number of calories you burn, so, instead of heading down the store to purchase something, order it online. By eliminating the need for physical activity, you’ll find that your calorie count remains at record highs and your waistline bulges proudly.
15. Eat more fruit. Fruit may be viewed as part of a healthy diet, but the fructose it contains can really slow down your fat metabolism. Oh, sure, there’s probably something healthy in there as well, but fructose will guarantee that sugar is diverted from away from anywhere useful and, instead, head straight to your love handles.
16. Make Netflix, Youtube, Facebook, other ’watchables’ and ‘scrollables’ a default free time activity. Weekends, late evenings, commutes and work breaks can seem like tough work, but if you’re willing to put in the effort you can soon find yourself lying idle as you digest pointless, yet entertaining content. If you really want to to exploit this activity for weight gain then pair it up with snacks, piles and piles of snacks. And dips, fatty dips.
17. Always have your TV on. Studies have shown that people who eat with the TV on tend to overeat too. Again, simple distractions result in big gains and, in particular, fat gains, so never turn that TV off.
18. Sleep less. Sleep is essential for keeping your stress levels low and the less stressed you are, the less need for comfort eating there is. Therefore, getting less sleep will help your body produce more stress hormones and leave you more partial to a slice of cake than ever before. Also, because you’re a bit of a dummy, when you get tired you’ll eat more food to try and generate a bit of energy!
19. Don’t plan your days. Never set aside certain days as cheat days or healthy days. You never know when you’re going to want a huge pizza all to yourself, so why limit yourself. Frankly, every day should be pizza day.
20. Eat food to finish it. You should never leave food on a plate because, as we’re always being told “THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA!” so help them (and yourself) by licking your plate clean every time. And, if you really want to gain fat, then just eat straight out of the fridge as that ‘plate’ is endless.
21. Wellness can take a back seat. My clients who want to lose weight know that wellness always comes first. And that means carefully incorporating it into your schedule. However, if you’re looking to get fat then wellness starts to lose its importance. Okay, you want it somewhere, but not upfront with the hotdogs and burgers.
22. Have a dessert. Always finish every meal with a dessert as it’s the best way to cram in a huge amounts of calorie after a large meal. Just like #21, you need to reduce the importance of wellness and, instead, find room in your daily schedule for the sweet tasting stuff.
23. Have a cheat day. If you’re looking to lose weight then you’ll probably end up promising yourself a cheat day, but all this equates to is a license to overeat. And, as a result, a cheat day will see you consuming more that you had lost in the previous week, so you’ll soon be bigger than ever.
24. Eat anything after workouts. One hour of sweating in the gym is tough for even the fittest of us, so if you want to exercise and be fat, just eat whatever you want after a workout. Remember: for a real post-workout food coma, the more fat the better.
25. Drink less water. Many people mistake being hungry with being thirsty, especially if you haven’t eaten for a few hours. A glass of water, though, can soon remedy this hunger. People who love eating, though, know that there’s plenty of water in their food, so you can actually satisfy your thirst with food – it’s a win, win situation for your gut!
26. Choose diet soda. Zero calorie, zero sugar and other heavily engineered “frankenfoods” are fantastic marketing tricks which fool people into thinking these ‘healthy’ beverages and foods will negate the effects of consuming too much food. In reality, all the sugar alcohols, aspartame and artificial sweeteners cause digestion issues: bad bacteria begin to multiply rapidly and soon overpopulate the gut causing fermentation. The same bad bacteria then release toxins when sugar levels are low and cause cravings, so, if you want to consume more, diet products are the way to go.
27. Have snacks at ready. The worse thing that can happen to a human is getting hungry in between meals. Not only can it lead to hunger pains, but it sends your body into a catabolic state (where your body starts to burn fat off). This is why you need to keep snacks at hand. Without them filling your stomach, you could find yourself losing weight. And remember: the best snacks are never healthy.
28. Plan to slim down for summer. Summer always feels like the time to build a new beach body, but this is the number one plan which always fails. The need for quick results leads to drastic dieting which soon becomes impossible and leads to food binges. So, if you want to go up a bikini size, try eating less.
29. Follow the dietary guidelines of American Heart Association (AHA!) and other clown associations. Nothing agains’t the clowns, but these guidelines are perfect if you want to develop metabolic diseases (heart diseases, diabetes, cancer etc.). With their demand for a low fat, high carbohydrate take on living, you’re going to find that their advice helps you balloon up to the size of a small country.
30. Accept that some things can’t change. Everyone has a vision of their ideal self, but maybe we’re living in a bit of a dreamworld. And, hey, sometimes there are factors such as genetics which will never allow us to lose weight, so maybe we should stop worrying and just gain the fat that nature intended us to.
31. Don’t read food labels. Have you ever tried reading food labels? They’re packed full of pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo and will leave you scared to eat anything. Just assume that all of them are heavily processed and stuffed to the brim with hormone disruptive agents. And then eat them without a second’s thought.
32. Drink your calories. One of the best ways to maximize your calorie count is through drinks as they create a quick route for calories to make it to your stomach without the need for too much digestion. So, make sure you load up on sodas, drinks with added (and/or hidden) sugar, juices, milk etc.
33. Eat fast. After eating for a certain amount of time, the stomach sends messages to the brain to indicate it’s full. Therefore, the faster you eat, the more likely you are to consume more food. It also usually means indigestion, but this is a small cross to bear.
34. Add ketchup and sauces to everything. Sugar and salt make everything so much better, so it’s vital that you reach for the ketchup bottle every time you sit down to eat. Fun fact: did you know that MSG (Monosodium glutamate) – the main ingredient in the majority of condiments and processed food, which makes everything taste 10x better – literally excites your brain cells to death?
35. Stay in your comfort zone. Working out and dieting is extremely hard to do and you’ll find it causes your comfort levels to plummet. Sure, you could remain stoic and pretend that everything is okay, but it’s actually a lot easier to stop working hard and remain comfortable. And fat.
36. Keep your social circle. People like you for who you are. They rarely want you to change, because any change produces uncertainty and makes people doubt their own position in the world. And this means that losing weight could seriously compromise your social life, so veer on the side of caution and don’t try to make any changes.
37. Don’t count calories. If you’re looking to gain weight then don’t even bother reading calorie counts on menus. After all, it’s very difficult to work out exactly how many calories you’re allowed and, hey, not everywhere lists calorie counts, so it’s a pointless exercise.
38. Buy food in bulk. The more you buy, the more you save. And the more you have stocked in the cupboard, the less chance there is that it’s going to go to waste.
39. Live in the present moment. You’ve got a long life ahead of you, so why worry about your future weight? Instead, live for the moment and worry about your weight in the future when you’ve got more time.
40. Consider what other people think. You don’t want people to think you’re mad, so why even consider going for a run during your lunch break? Okay, it’ll burn calories, but how many other people do you see doing it? That’s right, none, and it’s for a good reason.
41. Do it when the time is right. Going cold turkey and starting a diet out of the blue is a bad idea. Instead, take your time and build yourself up to it. Maybe pencil in a huge food binge lasting a week before you get started.
42. Don’t commit to anything if there’s a chance of failure. Sometimes you have to consider the worst case scenario. Yes, you could lose 10lbs before your holiday, but there’s also the chance you’ll put on weight and this will disappoint you even more.
43. Keep weight loss a secret. Let’s face it, social accountability puts far too much pressure on already stressed minds. It’s best to keep it safe and work behind the scenes without worrying about other people’s expectations. That way they can’t mock you when it all goes wrong.
44. Drink alcohol. Ever noticed how you want to eat junk food at the end of a long night spent drinking alcohol? All alcohol contains carbohydrates, but it also encourages you to send your calories sky high by finishing the night with a pizza or burger (or both).
45. Eat what healthy people eat. What works for your friend Joe is surely going to work for you, even if you can only observe 10% of what they eat and do. And if Joe has an amazing pair of abs despite munching his bodyweight in carbs and fat everyday, then this is obviously the way to go regardless of your different genetics.
46. Reward yourself with food. Sometimes, after a workout or a meeting that went well, you need to reward yourself and encourage yourself to do it again. And this is why it’s fine to devour a cupcake or down a cold beer.
47. Daily triple orange macchiato latte chocolate cream lungo… something. I have no idea what 95% of those things mean, but early mornings are pretty tough and the best way to coax yourself out of bed is with the promise of a beverage brimming with fat, sugar and caffeine. It’s much more likely to wake you up than a glass of carrot juice.
48. Sit more. Always go for the option of sitting. If there’s no reason for you to get up and move from A to B then why waste valuable energy and cause wear and tear to your muscles? Anyway, the act of getting up can really interrupt your flow and stop you from being productive.
49. Don’t spend money on gym membership. There’s no such thing as a cheap gym, especially when you factor in parking costs, travel costs and gym clothing. It’s a huge commitment and your money could be spent on much more enjoyable hobbies instead.
50. Accept food when offered. There’s never an excuse for being rude so, for example, when there’s a co-worker’s birthday you should always be polite and indulge in a huge slice of their birthday cake.
51. Anything goes on holidays (and weekends). You work pretty hard, so your weekends and holidays are the time for you to relax. This means that you should avoid exercise and indulge in good food and drink to help your mind and body recover from the stresses of all that hard work you do.
52. Give in to the resistance. The author Steven Pressfield defines resistance as being pressure, fear and social expectations. I use it to illustrate that any change to your lifestyle will cause resistance. So, in order to gain weight, you need to make sure that you give 100% in giving into this resistance.
To be honest, I can probably mark off at least a few of the items on this list. Some of these points are what make us human and incorporating all 52 into your lifestyle would be damn near impossible. However, the point of this list is to identify which points you’re most guilty of. And, once you do this, you’ll find that it’s much easier to start turning things around and losing weight.
Did any of these raise an eyebrow? Give me a shout: firstname.lastname@example.org